The Believer has come out with a fun new book this month, entitled You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice. Comedians, writers, and actors offer their potent advice to hopeless individuals. The long list of contributors includes (but is not limited to): Judd Apatow, Michael Cera, David Cross, Janeane Garofalo, Bob Odenkirk, John Oliver, Patton Oswalt, Amy Sedaris, Sarah Silverman, Sarah Vowell, and Rainn Wilson.
Here is one such gem that you would be able to find in the delightful book:
Dear Ed Helms:
Sometimes I forget to start with the little fork and go straight to the big fork. Is this a problem? - Name withheld. Rockford, IL.
This is a very good question and I hear it all the time. The answer is very simple. If you're genuinely confused about which fork to use, as you clearly are, then you should take the little fork and stab yourself in the left eye. Then take the larger fork and stab yourself in the right eye. At this point you will be in a phenomenal amount of agony and you will be wondering if you will ever see another sunset again. Only then will you truly be free from the tyranny of fork-size equivocation.